There’s something I’ve always read and seen but never fully paid attention to. When we die, we leave this world just as we came into it, with nothing. All our possessions and wealth, no matter how big or small will be left behind.
As a human race, we seem to be constantly wanting more wealth, money drives some of us to the brink of losing all our inhibitions. I certainly wish I had more of it right now because it’s the one thing that’ll alleviate some unnecessary stress AND give me the means to seek private medical help. But, this means I’m reliant on man to help me and I’ve come to the conclusion, there is no help from man because he has no control over life or death. I wrote previously about when doctors develop a God complex, a very dangerous thing (in my opinion).
There’s something that we need to realise. When the time comes, what we own/possess, the bodies we have, it will all cease to exist. It doesn’t matter if we are slim and slender, it doesn’t matter that we have all the money in the world, it doesn’t even matter that the job we have, the car we drive or house we live in is…flash (for lack of a better word).
I used to hear these things all the time and yet, it would be in the one ear and out the other. I was young and thought I would live forever. More than this, I heard that “Your relationship with God needs to be right“. Now I know that there are people who don’t believe in God and for that very reason will probably stop reading at this point. That is your choice…
I am not going to preach to you because I am far from perfect…so I hope you won’t do that and hear me out.
For me personally, though, it’s an easy enough choice to make. I’ve recently felt like my body and spirit are under attack. To put it into context. (A bit of a vent sorry).
- I’ve had a tough time with Neurosurgeon’s to take my concerns regarding my Hydrocephalus seriously. I’m letting that fight rest (for now) and will pray that I don’t go into a coma, so they can react. And yet, I am thankful that my symptoms have seemingly been kept at bay.
- Then, this past weekend, I was in the most excruciating tummy pain imaginable…the kind that had me begging for death, lying helpless on the bathroom floor. I suspect it’s because of a bacteria I have which burrows its way into the stomach lining where it lives. It’s called Helicobacter Pylori (H Pylori). Potentially, this bacteria could cause stomach Cancer… I’ve had this pain before and at present, after consulting with a Gastroenterologist a while back, he told me to wait for the pain to come again and at that point contact him to do an emergency Endoscopy. The cherry on this cake, however, he only works certain days and also not on weekends. (Like I control the pain…Ughhh!)
- Add to that the fact that I’ve been on the public waiting list since last August for a Hysterectomy (which at the time was needed immediately because “I wouldn’t make it on the waiting list”). Why the Gynaecologist said that I’ll never know. I’m left worrying, the longer I wait and the worse I feel eventually it can’t be good for my body. I know that probably sounds like I’m over analysing and over thinking but what would you do? A friend of mine was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer last year and within a couple of months (which felt like the blink of an eye), she died. After waiting 4 months, thinking I would be booked for surgery, I was told that now I had to go on the 4-month waiting list and wait “with the 300 other women who are on the list before me“. Having seen a GP earlier this week because my symptoms are worsening, I was told that women with Cancer are treated as a priority (which I fully understand)…But, does that mean it’ll be the only way they’ll attend to me sooner? The fear of it all is driving me nuts!
I’m listening to my body and it doesn’t feel good.
It seems like no matter how hard I strive to do the right thing, I’m just continually fighting an uphill battle. I know that the ideal is probably to live forever but in reality, we can’t. Our bodies are not meant to live forever and will betray us, much like mine is right now. Maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself or maybe there is something sinister at play in my life. I wish that I could live forever for my children…
God knows, I’ve negotiated as much with Him and begged to be alive long enough till my daughter (youngest) is old enough to fend for herself. The funny thing about that is, somehow I thought I could actually do that, that somehow I had the right to ask for it and expect that it will be. However, I recently realised that it’s quite the contrary and that I am at the mercy of a much higher being. At this point, you would probably ask “How can you possibly believe in and serve a God who lets you suffer like this?” And, you would be right on the money because I too have asked that same question. But, I know now that it’s not about that. It’s about what we leave behind and the difference we make in this world to affect the belief system and break down the power evil has over us. Or at least the power evil “thinks” it has over us. Let me explain:
When Christ died on that cross and rose again, He won the fight for each and every soul on this earth. The devil can do what he wants to us (physically). But, in the end, we belong to Christ. This is the reason why, I’ve made peace with the fact that all the things I’ve endured and am going through, all of the hurt, anger, pain and torment…it’s not a test I will fail by rejecting my faith in Christ and what He has done for me on that cross. I choose to believe and I choose to endure because, in the end, I am His. This is the reason why I feel that I am under attack…cowards attack nonetheless. But, I know what I’ll do when death comes in the morning.