I mean all consuming…thought, word and deed?
In all honesty, if I had to answer that for myself, I would have to give it a BIG YES!. There are days when I tell myself just to let it all be and carry on as if nothing is wrong. This would actually be easy enough to do at present because I’ve been without Hydro symptoms for as long as I can remember. (That in itself would be a joke given the state of my memory…). But, at the same time, it would be the hardest thing to do, simply because I know there is no cure…yet. And, knowing what could happen (if ignored) scares the living daylights out of me. The publications available, all emphasise the need to remain vigilant of any signs of failure. I can pretend as much as I want to that, all is well with my world but I cannot and will not lie to myself. I live under no illusion nor does it make me negative, if anything, it makes me a realist.
Anyway, I sometimes take a step outside of myself and take in the view from above my head. It appears that I HAVE become my condition, I know no other life other than the one I’m living now. Not being born with Hydrocephalus, leaves me with the “advantage” of knowing something other than this life. Writing my blogs and seemingly helping others who struggle to put what they feel into words or make sense of it all, has become my passion.
A feeling that is driven by the desire to spread awareness, pray for a cure, help another person newly diagnosed with Hydrocephalus, offer some comfort to a parent if at all possible, offer some sanity or semblance of hope (whatever the definition of that would be for anyone affected by it) etc…so many things, the list is endless. This boosts me into the Hydro vortex of the condition itself to the point where I feel there is no return. Truth be told, I don’t think I want to either…
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the meaning of life, what my purpose is and even questioning why it even exists…life, that is. It’s not always easy…this thought process…nor is there a straightforward answer. However, it is one that has left me thinking life is dumb without a purpose simply because we do it for as long as it takes…and then we die. Going to work, day in and day out, 5 days a week and doing what we do…it seems pointless really. Sure, it pays the bills but is it really important in the bigger scheme of things? Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy what I do and there is a short-lived satisfaction to a point. Yet, I struggle to stay motivated or remain convinced that at the end of the day, I’ve actually done something of value.
I feel as if being consumed by this condition, which entered my life at the age of 29, could possibly have been the start of my purpose. (It only took me 10 years to figure it out. But, especially because of a good friend constantly telling me that I’m doing a good job – I thank you…).
If it means that I am all consumed and quite possibly have lost myself in the process (according to others), then I choose to see it as a blessing. Don’t misunderstand, experiencing a condition like Hydrocephalus and going through brain surgery is by no means something that I would wish on my worst enemy. However, it feels as if my life had no meaning until now…not in the REAL sense anyway.
So how about you? Have you been consumed and how does it affect your outlook on life