A view of the scar on my soul

Today is a special day for me, it’s my birthday!  I love birthdays, I love the attention but absolutely cringe because of it too…confusing, right?  I enjoy making other people feel special, I enjoy making a big fuss about everyone else – especially on their birthday.  Yet, when it comes to me, I simply don’t have the means to deal with it.

I lay awake at 3 am this morning, thinking about so many things.  This has become an irritating occurrence and one I feel powerless to stop.  However, there were a few things which came to mind as my thoughts wandered.  Mainly, I thought about the scars on my body.  Scars from my 3 C-section births, scars from my brain operations and there are quite a few more.  My body looks like a battlefield.  Granted, these are not marks anyone other than myself or my husband and kids have seen.  Though they are daily reminders to me, of what I have been through.

Then, there are the scars on my soul.  These scars no-one will ever see or know about, I have kept them hidden from the world…until now.

When I started this blog, it was an outlet of sorts for me, a place where I could write stuff and it would disappear into a “black hole”.  However, there has always been one growing intent and aim in mind.  I realize that much of what I write about, is probably very serious and can sometimes be morbid – probably contradictory to the “Inspiration for when life happens” line on my website.  But, it’s in this exact phrase, that I came to realize this morning where the lesson lies.  I have been through experiences in my life, and still continue to endure, which leave me feeling a sense of responsibility to share with others.  Not that I want people all up in my business but because I want to HELP others to not go through the same things I have.  To take note of the important things in life and to avoid some of the pitfalls and heartache that can sometimes lurk beneath the surface of a world we cannot control.

My book, Stronger than you know…, is one such lesson.  When I wrote this book and first published it, there were people who asked the question “Is this book about you?“.  My immediate response was “NO“.  However, that is not the truth.  It is about me, every single thing in this book, is about what happened to a little girl who once was me.  I don’t believe I am that girl anymore.  I believe I died to self at some point and the end result is what you now have.  My faith in God carried me through a time that no-one would ever wish upon themselves.  Yet, I am here today to tell you, that no matter what happens to you, God can get you through.

It was a time in my life where I literally had no-one to turn to but God.  Thankfully, my grandmother at the time had done her Christian duty and instilled in me a foundation of faith.  She introduced me to a way of speaking to God and drawing closer to Him.  Unbeknownst to her, I had been thrust into a battlefield where I needed that relationship more than ever.  Had it not been for this crucial relationship, I would not have come out of that war in one piece…wounded yes and still paying the price for it at times – but I SURVIVED.

Admittedly, it was not an easy book for me to write but I believe it was part of the process I needed to go through.  Therefore, it was easier to make up names and places because in a way, I could distance myself and pretend that I was writing about someone else.  I wanted to protect so many people by not admitting that it was about me, so many family members who I did not want to hurt or scar in the process.

The title of the book is a reminder to anyone who is or has gone through the same experience.  More so, it is an affirmation to me, at times when the tsunami of thoughts of that time plays out in my mind, that I am indeed stronger than I know.

I am not looking for sympathy, nor am I seeking attention.  I am merely saying today, that feeling ashamed of what happened (beyond my control) is no longer allowed.

So today, I am thankful to God for sparing me another year.  I am thankful that I get to feel a sense of relief and I am thankful to have the opportunity to share a view of the scar on my soul with you.