How easy this is to say but I find it increasingly difficult to do.
A secretary at my former company used to tell me that I need to slow down. She shared how her mum always told her that if she didn’t, God would find a way to make her slow down.
Things happen to us in our lives that cause us to take stock of what’s important and what’s just trivial crap.
I can’t remember a time when I felt like life wasn’t a race towards something. And, the constant yearning for something better…something more. Driven by wanting more time to myself, more money for my family so we don’t have to worry about anything or just a better lifestyle…the list goes on.
I’ve heard the words at the top of this post before, many times, and I’ve taken cognisance of its importance. Yet, life takes over time and time again and pushes me right back to the start of the rat race. Truth be told, as much as I want to stop the madness and make time for myself, I can’t because I’m so busy taking care of everyone else around me. (This includes home as well as work…) It’s truly exhausting.
Make time for my life…now this is a good one. I’ve been so busy taking care of those around me, I can’t really identify what my life is. Where mine ends and theirs begin…(or is it the other way around?), I just don’t know. What I do know, is that I love to blog/write, I know I love white sandy beaches and hot days. I know I love to be spoiled and pampered and I know that I want a good life where I can do good things for others, especially those in need. But, ask me who I am…I struggle to no end with the answer.
Make time for my loved ones…As much as I DO for those around me, I know that there’s one important thing they are not getting from me. A piece of me…the real me. Playing a game with my daughter, for example, would seem like the most simple thing to do. But, when she asks, I’m usually running around the house cleaning or trying to squeeze in some of the good stuff mentioned at the top of this post, yet failing miserably. You would think a visit to the toilet would give me a few minutes of alone time. (Hah! Think again…). A simple hug is what she asks for more times in one day than I can remember and even this feels like too much effort sometimes. My boys have become teenagers right in front of my eyes but most days I look at them and wonder what happened to the little boy/s running around in nappies. They’re opinionated, dislike my sharing corny messages and photos about their lives, are too old for too much affection from me and somehow manage to make me feel old because they know about things I’ve never heard about. The most I see them is when there’s food on the table or maybe a few minutes of watching TV. Other than that, they vegetate in their room watching movies, playing games or trolling on social media.
Saying that life is busy and stressful just seems like a cop-out but that’s exactly what’s stopping me from being better at life (or is it?). I suppose the classic saying of “running around like a headless chicken” is the best analogy to describe what I feel like most days…It’s these kinds of situations that just add to my list of life regrets. #WorldsWorstMotherRightHere is what I feel like more days than not.
A conversation recently with a colleague at work had me thinking even more about all of this. He said “Why are you chasing something “over there” when you should be focusing on what’s “over here…now”? Enjoy what’s in front of you and what’s over there will come because quite simply you aren’t there yet“. I struggled a bit to process the lesson/point he was trying to make. In my mind, we should be striving for that perfect job, life or enough money to go on that holiday. But, those things never materialise, at least not from where I’m standing (despite me wanting it or putting it out into the “universe” as some would tell me to do).
I guess the conclusion I’ve come to is that I simply don’t know HOW to live in the NOW. I’ve always been focussed on the future because I’ve always been fighting to get out of a bad situation. I’ve looked to the future as being better and offering so much “better” opportunities, a better life, etc.
It’s sad really…I’m sad!
When I think about it, the younger version of me looking to the future for something better would be disappointed to know that I’m still looking to the future for better, am still not happy enough to be satisfied with my life and am slowly wasting away towards the finish line.