When I met my husband, I fell in love. It was easy enough…so marrying him was a no-brainer. We weren’t raised in a community where living together before marriage was a norm. Therefore, what I learnt about the love of my life only came after the fact…that is, the things that matter most.
Marriage and kids were never things I saw in my future. I did it nonetheless as life progressed. (Don’t misunderstand…I was not forced to either). I had a good role model in my grandmother who raised me and followed her example of taking care of the household. I cooked and cleaned, loved my husband unconditionally and eventually had our children…while working full-time. Life was great when the kids were born…blissful even, but very stressful at times. I thought to myself that This must be normal so I’ll soldier on.
Since I followed my Gran’s example of being the perfect homemaker, I think I shot myself in the foot. I now regret having done that and here’s why:
Marriage and motherhood are full-time jobs all by themselves. Combined, they can be a nightmare especially if you don’t get the support you need. When I accepted my husband’s proposal, I did not expect everything that has gone wrong over time. Everything that has hurt me deeply to my core or feeling like an insignificant blah…at times…
I did not sign up for my kids to be unappreciative and be like little leeches after having carried each one of them for 9 months and turning my body into something that resembles a war zone. (No judging please) Enduring the worst kind of pain imaginable to bring them safely, breathing and healthily into this world. They have at times the most profound love and affection towards me…these are priceless moments. But it’s the moments of disrespect and just plain abuse of my good intentions that I cannot stomach. Just how did that happen? I never taught them to be like that…and yet, there they are. My sweet little Jekyll and Hyde’s…
I often say “One of these days I’m going to run away from all of you and I’m never coming back“. Their sweet response is always, “We will find you” Or “I’m coming with you!” I don’t know if that makes me happy or sad.
All I need is a little bit of help. Help enough to not become the raging tyrant who yells and screams, just so that I can get my point across or be heard. Why is it that I have to sacrifice the person I am to be the person they expect me to be? And in saying that, I don’t even know what that person looks like because she never gets a chance to breathe. Always running around doing things for everyone in my household, I don’t even have time to feel sick. God forbid I should because who would take care of me? And even if they did, the fact that the shackles of homemaker, I’ve been attached to all these years will still be there when I recover, is just…
Dishes, dirt, bathing, homework, bedtime stories, and cooking are all things, which need to be done daily. Laundry at least once a week…and not to mention worrying about finances and the future. But I can’t keep up. It’s not one person’s job! I pick up after all of them, clean up after them and try not to complain too much. I do though…and it’s not a pretty sight. I’ve asked for help by screaming, swearing or even toning it down to a whisper…arguments are the normal end result. I give up!!!
In the defence of my lovely darlings, big and small, there are times when they do help. There are even times when they will say “Sit down, relax or take a bath…I’ve got this” These moments are pure bliss. I love them so much and yearn for more of them, but I am starved like a runway model of everything that is good in this life. Am I ungrateful..? I think not.
How is any woman, in this same situation, expected to stay sane? Would it really be bad of me to walk out on all of them?
If someone had a crystal ball years ago and showed me what my future life would be like, I most definitely would have run in the opposite direction.
I have no more advice for myself…(If you do…Please feel free to share it with me).
One thing I’ve always found, no matter what job I do, I end up having to compete with my husband. His job is more physical and labour intensive so he is more tired and sore. My job is office based, I “sit in an air-conditioned office” and earn more money. It’s not a flippen competition! I used to think marriage was 50/50 until I read the poster above. It immediately made so much sense….perfectly so in fact.
When I agreed to get married, I did not sign up for being made a doormat, which everyone can wipe their hands, feet and asses off on. I am a person with feelings and I have needs and desires too…I matter! I most definitely did not sign up for this.
Hey God…Can I get a refund? I think my purchase is dysfunctional…