I have been feeling this way, more and more, each day. I have good moments and others less so.
It’s a scary situation where you feel like you’re losing yourself. Like you’ve lost control. Helpless to your core and all you want, is out of the jail cell, which is your mind.
Knowing how to deal with what you’re going through on the inside, is hard. It’s confusing. When you see the effects it has on those on the outside, you feel like a burden. Trapped in a box you can’t escape from.
And, because no one can see the effects, you simply seem like someone who has become difficult to be around or deal with. It just doesn’t seem fair when you realise the events that have caused the situation you find yourself in. However, there is no fairness in a situation where you aren’t being intentional, and dealing with something completely out of your control. Asking for understanding is hard when it comes to an invisible condition. Asking for support is hard when no one understands the effects or what’s happening. More importantly, you can’t ask for support when you yourself don’t know what you need.
The most overwhelming feeling I’ve had in the moment, is to end my life. I’ve had too many of these over the last few months. My brain spins into a spiral and I can’t think clearly. I feel like I’m free falling and there’s no one there to catch me. Literally feeling like if I had a gun, I would pull the trigger. It’s a “simple” solution to end the source of my discomfort, agony and torture. BUT, I realise enough to know that it won’t be as”simple” for those who love me, to accept.
It’s an understanding I’ve gained into why people decide to end their lives. There’s a suffering causing them to see no other way out. They want the pain (of whatever may be causing it) to end. It’s got nothing to do with them not loving those closest to them. It’s got nothing to do with anyone else, but them, in that moment.
This is one of the scariest feelings I’ve had. It’s overpowering and leaves me feeling like I have no other choice. It has taken quite a bit of soul searching and ultimately, having to make decisions, with my own best interest at heart. There’s the financial impact it will have on my own life, which somehow, when I consider my life, somehow seems insignificant. Some decisions are not ideal and definitely is not where I envisioned my life going. But, I realised that if I am to survive, I need to do what’s best for me, in this moment. Whatever comes next, I’ll have to deal with in that moment.
Advice for patients as well as caregivers:
Be kind. Be supportive. Be patient. Be sincere.