Wherever I was in my life when you appeared (like a phantom) on the scene, doesn’t even matter anymore. Whatever was going on, whatever I regarded as important at the time…overtaken by the enormity of you. You threw me for a loop and left me spinning aimlessly, wandering on the playing fields of this thing we call life.
To compare you to a cyclone which leaves destruction in its path would somehow seem misguidedly incomparable.
I’ve begged of you, pleaded and made deals bargaining for my life. For the sake of my children, I’ve placed it all on the table – ready for your taking. Just one more day, month, year…lifetime…
No person wants to face the reality of death but you trump in this regard, yet again, leaving me to choose the alternative when I am under full attack by you, forcing me to stare it straight in the eyes. You take aim and fire, hitting me right in my core – mocking me. I swear, I’ve never second-guessed myself this much…ever! Playing hide and seek appears to be your favourite pastime with the only one enjoying the torture chamber, being you. I dislike this place, I protest and kick against the bus but my efforts are all in vain.
You drive me to the point of insanity, a place my family, friends and doctors have already dropped me off at, waving lovingly as they walk away from me. They see what you show them. They believe in the picture you paint. Isn’t it just so ironic? I’ve never had to work this hard at anything in my life…
Half of the time (No…make that most of the time), I don’t know if I’m coming or going with you. It’s a ball and chain relationship no-one can save me from because, we are joined at the hip and in true matrimonial style – till the day I die. (Divorce is not an option – DAMMIT!). A domestic violence case where I wish I could just walk away from you and never look back, shoving my pride in my pocket, because I made the wrong choice. If only it were so “easy” to admit that I made a mistake letting you in but we both know, I didn’t exactly choose you. You imposed yourself on me…
I. Had. No. Choice.
There are days where I go around fooling myself into thinking that you’re just not THAT real and I can choose not to give you any power. For the most part, I’ve been successful but…there are the times where you shove your ugly mug in my face and I simply lose all will to live. I play it cool and keep my brave face on but (There’s always the constant BUT!), you always show me who’s boss.
Just when I think I can be better than the person you’ve reduced me to (Struggling with memory issues, doubting myself, bouts of extreme depression, dealing with pain for which I simply cannot find the words…fighting against anything and everything which poses a challenge just to be “normal”…). But, Oh the pain! You certainly have a wicked sense of humour. Flinging me like a rag doll into the fire of the worst states any human could fall prey to.
No state is worse than the next but one which carries more weight than the next…FEAR…
There’s the fear of the unknown, fear of not knowing when you will come again like a thief in the night, fear and dread of facing yet another brain operation. Fear of losing my eyesight and losing my independence or not being able to support my family. There’s even fear of not having someone I can go to for medical help, if and when I need it…Remember, you’ve succeeded in marking me for disposal in the loony bin. Pfft!
Ok..! Enough with stroking your ego and making you feel like the victorious egomaniac.
I’ve made peace with you but only because (and listen well):
You are a part of me BUT you DO NOT define me because I am so much more.
You have power, yes BUT I am NOT powerless.
You have weakened me at times BUT in doing so, you’ve helped me realise just how strong I really am.
With each fight, you might knock me down BUT you can be guaranteed I WILL get back up again.
You may have changed some relationships I have with the people closest to me BUT in doing so I have forged even stronger bonds.
You might be invisible to the naked eye BUT this world will know about you…This has become my life’s mission, to expose you for who and what you are.
Every operation I face may feel like the last BUT each time I wake up, I have renewed hope and strength to face a new day as a new, stronger me.
Each scar you leave is not a sign of weakness BUT teaches me to love, respect and admire myself more. It’s a reminder of where I’ve been and what I’ve picked myself up from.
Every time you go in for the kill, I WILL take you on, giving it everything I’ve got.
As long as I’m still standing – this fight is far from over!