Hydrocephalus : Feeling like a tangled mess inside

Hydrocephalus : Feeling like a tangled mess inside

There are days when I really love my job but days like today, I feel like a complete waste of space.  I know others appreciate what I do and I love nothing better than to alleviate the little stresses in my colleagues daily work life.  In fact, I get satisfaction from knowing that doing a small thing (no matter what) is something that reaps a greater appreciation than “fixing the world” kind of stuff.  I almost feel like I live and breathe in a bubble…a safety net I created a few years ago when I started this job and can safely say that it’s my comfort zone.

I get tested at times where I need to step out of that space and it freaks me out in an uneasy sort of way.  However, I like it from time to time because it’s a challenge, it gets my brain working and that is ultimately my goal.  I’ve mentioned before that after diagnosis and my first brain surgery, going back to work had me feeling a little inadequate.  I struggled with a few things but with my manager’s support and words of wisdom to be like a duck, I paddled through.

This week has been a bit strenuous and nerve wrecking to say the least, with earthquakes and aftershocks every day since midnight on Sunday.  The stress of not knowing when the next quake will be or if the next one will be a major one has everyone on high alert.  Some people though, carry on about life as if nothing is happening…

Then, there’s the lingering and increasing stress of feeling oddly dizzy, slightly nauseous and getting the “weird” dull pains in the back of my head again.  There’s a fullness in my face which could possibly be from the Paranasal sinus mucosal disease diagnosis on my latest MRI.  The dizziness has me feeling like I’m literally out at sea and swaying from side to side like a piece of driftwood.  As I try to analyse it all, I wonder if it’s possibly the earth moving beneath me from the aftershocks, so I continuously ask my family “Do you feel that?”  I just get greeted with blank stares, as they try to sense movement followed by a firm “No…”  Therefore, the worry wart continues to grow…

So, coming back to why I felt like a complete waste of space today.  I’ve got a task to complete before Monday but I’m finding it difficult to do because 3 people have moved to the empty desks next to me.  We work in an open plan office so there’s constant chatter and noise, this is a HUGE distraction for me.  It literally has me on the brink of tears because just as I get my brain to focus on something, I lose my place the minute someone opens their mouth.  I don’t know if it affects anyone else with Hydrocephalus but noise is a major factor for me when I’m trying to concentrate on the task at hand.  Listening to more than one person at a time drives me nuts (my kids have perfected this annoyance with me).

I literally cannot move my thought process and struggle like a bird flying against a strong gust of wind.  I repeat what I’ve already done and despite the progress I make, I find myself literally back at the beginning.  The fact that my deadline is looming, is right at the back of my mind and I feel my stress levels increase.  Sometimes, it gets so bad that I literally feel like I can scream “Shut up!“.  But, it’s a place of business and I take cognisance of that and just walk away (sometimes more than 10 times a day!).  It’s just one more thing that I need to “manage and deal with“.  I miss having my own office because then I could at least close the door and shut out any disturbances.

Having an invisible illness is something I wish could be highlighted a bit more so the rest of the world can see what it is that we have to endure.  I feel like a tangled mess inside when it comes to having to process information or work out simple things to get from point A to point B.  It numbs me…

Do you struggle with this?  Any solutions or advice?

Published by Skyewaters

I blog about Hydrocephalus to give a voice to the millions (if not billions) of people around the world with this condition NOT disease.  As much as these experiences are unique to me and my family, I’m sure others have experienced it too.  My aim…to shine a light on it and raise awareness – simple and challenging at the same time but worth it!

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