Am I depressed?

A few weeks ago, I had a mental and spiritual outburst/breakdown. I’ve always been one to say things like “God is in control. Have faith and trust. See obstacles as challenges but don’t give in and just believe“. There is no end to the advice I would offer to anyone who seemingly has lost faith or needs something/anything to cling to.

Then…a few weeks ago, something shifted for me. I still am not sure exactly what…

If you don’t already know this, I have Hydrocephalus, a condition that requires brain surgery with NO cure to date. I also have Helicobacter Pylori, a bacteria which appears to be wreaking havoc on my gut and could cause stomach cancer. The pain I feel when this bug attacks, is something that literally brings me to my knees and even that isn’t low enough. I pray for death…Then, when my Hydrocephalus plays up…I once again pray for death.

There’s more…

I was meant to have a hysterectomy a few weeks ago but it was declined by the medical insurance because they deem the cause a pre-existing condition. I was mentally, physically and spiritually prepared once more for surgery. Then, 2 days before I was scheduled to go in, I got the decline letter. I was livid and after getting the “proof” of why they declined it, conveyed snarkily by the person assigned to assess it, I lost the plot. It was an arm’s length of doctors visits with highlighted phrases. It doesn’t even matter what specifically it said, it was the picture I got from looking at the doctors’ notes. It made me seem like some medical glutton, looking for attention and went to the doctor for any little ache or pain.  First off, I hate that I have to seek medical advice. I hate that I’m dependant on a medical system. I hate even more that, my whole life seems to have been one medical issue after the other, for as long as I can remember. This pushed me over the edge…to where I am now.

When I experienced the shift, I began talking to God (as I have done for as long as I can remember). To put it into context, the way I view God is much the same as my earthly father.  We are close, I love Him dearly and always ask for guidance when I don’t see a clear way out.

However, there was something else that happened. I became angry. I had had enough! A tsunami of emotions came over me and I was consumed by all of this (and more):

I have had enough of living with pain that doctors can’t explain and feeling as if I’m just a financial medical burden.
The fear of my ETV failing and living with the Unknown.
I felt as if I’m of no use to myself, my family or much less anyone.

I got to a stage of realising how much time I’ve wasted over my entire lifespan…worrying and not living. I worry about my children and making sure that I will live to see another day, just so I can be around until they can stand on their own two feet. I’ve put my life on hold and became consumed by my medical conditions and, worrying about the future and money! At that point in time, I felt myself spiralling downwards… And, I questioned the point of life…

All kinds of bad memories came flooding back to me as I finally uttered the words “Why me!!?“.  I remember feeling as if I was having an out of body experience as I literally stared myself in the eye…refusing to return to self. I had found a new resolve and started shouting at God and the devil. (Yes, you read that right).

“I’m tired of choosing between you two. I’m tired of feeling like I’ll be thrust into pain each time I profess my love and belief in God. I literally feel as if I’m under attack because of my choice to believe in God. I can’t understand why it is that I’m going through all of this and yet, my God stands by and watches. How is it that He allows me to be devoured in the clutches of pain and for how long am I supposed to endure this?”

Finally, after saying my peace, I adopted an IDGAF attitude. I’m at my wit’s end and literally lay the challenge down. “I don’t care anymore. So what, if I’m bad…and you don’t like it. What’s the worst you gonna do to me? A gut attack, a hydro attack? Who cares? The worst that can happen is that I die…so what, we’re all headed that way anyway right?“. I didn’t care anymore that my children were being flashed in front of me, to this I answered: “I don’t care!”

I feel like a child in the middle of a divorce. Is it fair? Is it a bit far-fetched? Am I being a drama queen…Maybe…

All I know is, I feel numb and void of feeling much of anything. I can’t say I am full of faith, nor can I say that I am faithless…

I’m just tired. And, for once in my life, I feel a lift in the load I’ve been carrying.

So coming back to my question at the top of this post…Am I depressed? I think so. Many people never utter the words and admit this much. I recognise it in myself and I’m standing up and saying how I feel. Whether I am justified in my feelings or not, is beside the point. Life carries on and people around me go about their daily lives with not a clue as to what I’m thinking or feeling. I smile at them at the right time and respond accordingly. Yet, deep down in my heart, I feel as if I have died…just swaying in the ocean, like a piece of driftwood, being thrown from side to side…

No feeling…no thoughts…no worries…

Let’s see where the waves take me.