It’s not the life I’m used to. It’s not the life I want. I need things to go back to a time where I felt more in control. A time where I could make sense of my situation.
I’ve only had 6 brain surgeries but the last one left me in a bad way. I know I’ve said this before. BUT, I would like to think things will improve. This coming May, it’ll be one year since then. However, I’m starting to think this is my new “normal”. I cannot change it. No amount of effort I’ve put in has helped, not even in a small way.
It feels like life has just become harder and my brain has shrunk to the size of a pea. Thrown around like a rag doll in a storm. I feel stuck with my thoughts. I struggle to process and organise them in my head…I am drained: physically, emotionally and spiritually. I have become disconnected in so many ways…
My fears in this moment:
- Is this what my life will be like now?
- Does it change or get better in time?
- What happens after the next surgery?
- Does it get worse after each one?
I cannot guarantee I won’t have any more brain surgery. I have been through enough with this condition to know, taking it for granted or becoming complacent, is just not an option. Having less fear and more faith, eludes me right now. I feel battered and abused, for lack of a better explanation.
A comment someone made not too long ago has resonated with me: “When facing brain surgery, I’m often left wondering, what deficit will I be left with next?” This is not a comforting thought in any way, shape or form!
If anyone has felt the way I described above after brain surgery, and subsequently had further surgery, yet returned to self…please let me know.
I now know it can always get worse but does it get better?