The hard reality of living with a brain injury…

***TRIGGER WARNING: This post touches on suicidal thoughts and death***

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When you sustain a brain injury, in the prime of your life, things change in an instant. It hits harder still if you’re a high functioning person, independent and always doing everything for everyone else. Nothing can prepare you for what comes next as you learn, at lightning speed, who you can (and can’t) count on, in your time of need.

FACT: Without the proper support and people around to help you, like family and friends, you’re literally on your own.

Like a nomad you wander the earth, displaced in SO many ways…

Not everyone is equipped to deal with such a “catastrophic event”. Unfortunately, you will lose some family, friends, colleagues, your job, etc., and every aspect of your life might be affected. It’s an event that’ll turn friends and family into strangers and, likewise, strangers into friends. Strangers who, in time, will become like family…

The saddest part of life; being part of an unforgiving, and ignorant, society who don’t always make the effort to understand, become educated or practice empathy. Simple acts of human kindness become limited, lost, or are non-existent…

Functionally and/or physically, you may have suffered an impairment. BUT, the greatest impact is loss of self. The internal fight between your old and new self, a daily battle of wills. It’s exhausting and soul destroying!

Brain injury is an invisible disability therefore, to those around you, if you look fine, you must be fine. And, life carries on requiring you to function as you did before.

There are even moments (quite a few), where it feels like the walls are closing in on you, and you struggle to breathe. Good days are few and far between, and seem lost to you forever. Negative emotions flood you almost as instantaneously as the injury itself.

Thankfully, they pass like a bad storm (until the next time), and not always without causing some form of carnage. Leaving you to deal with the aftermath of devastation and destruction; negative thoughts, feelings, fears and on the brink of insanity, as you continue to fight against the suicidal thoughts that rear its ugly head. All of which are the effects of the injury you’ve sustained and NOT within your control.

Mistakenly, the effects of your injury are easily attributed to being psychological, something that makes more “sense” to the likes of certain “medical professionals”. Especially, if you still function reasonably well, compared to most. It’s an easier diagnosis to digest..! (All whilst being completely frustrating and unknown territory to you).

In these moments, there’s a theme song, which plays over and over in your head; “Death would have been better than this..!”. The battle field of your mind, and thoughts, become a hunting ground, where YOU are both the hunter AND the prey. Twisted and sinister!

Living in ignorance is not a luxury you can afford. But, it works for those around you, as you silently watch your life fall apart, from the inside out. Banished to a jail cell, stuck in solitary (lifetime) confinement, for a crime you did not commit. Slowly, but surely, you learn to distrust those who cross your path, some medical professionals included. As they question the validity of your current state, you wonder if it’s even worth fighting to survive, or asking for help. Regretting it once you do. Silently you grow more and more resentful of the part they play in your new life. Yearning to be farther and farther away from everyone, with every passing moment. Despite what others might think, nothing they do, or say, is helpful.

And just like the hunter and the prey, you begin to “perfect” the art of picking yourself up, each time you fall down.

Life on your own, seems like nirvana. No more explaining. No more excuses for things you’ve said and done, or NOT said and done. No more loneliness and, no more crying yourself to sleep, as you learn to self-comfort and give yourself THE best hugs. Longing for a sincere, genuine and caring touch, or at the very least a bit of understanding. Pushing away any attempt at a connection, because you’ve been let down, and hurt too deeply, along the way. Realising that NO-ONE else will fight as hard for you, as you…

Feeling an overwhelming sense of helplessness and abandonment; the parachute or safety net having failed to deploy.

Sadly, through it all, you bear the weight of guilt on your shoulders. Ironically, it’s the weight of a situation you simply had NO control over. So, the debate of fairness about the injury, how it’s affected your life, or the role others play, or lack thereof, becomes a moot point.

Quite frankly; thoughts of death, or believing that you would have been better off dead at the moment your life changed, keep surfacing. With a scratch on the surface of the record that plays over and over, inside your head. You are painfully aware that this way of thinking is damaging and dangerous. Thus begins the, invisible to others, ultimate fight for survival. You feel guilty for even entertaining such thoughts and weak in your newfound vulnerability. Clinging to faith and relationships that spark genuine joy in your life.

Regardless, when you consider the effects and challenges presented after the fact, the solution seems logical and easy. Asking God; “Why didn’t You just let me die?”, a constant question played on loop; with no answer in sight.

Ironically; Survival takes on a whole new meaning as you learn to cope, develop strategies to compensate, practice self-care and, above all, find the silver lining…

More on that next time, whenever that’ll be…bear with me.

Note: Every brain injury is different. We are not all the same and how it affects us, is unique to each individual.