Hydrocephalus: This is NO way to live…

I’ve had a few people say this to me. People at the end of their rope, dealing with pain and discomfort from living with Hydrocephalus, and some, living with more conditions/diseases on top of it all. I fully empathise and, in most cases, share their sentiment. More especially, today while I’m in the grips of a headache which reared its ugly head a few nights ago and hasn’t let go of my right eyeball, ear and arm. Grrr!

A few weeks ago it was a burning sensation in my brain, lasting a few weeks. An interesting conversation with my son, on my way to drop him off at school, got me thinking and wondering why I was feeling this. “If there are no pain receptors in the brain, why am I feeling like this?” His response, “Maybe it’s something else causing you to feel that way…and maybe you need to figure out what that is”.

I found this article interesting with a few things hitting home. Here are some excerpts:

“pain is a vital signal that warns of an injury or damage. And it sets natural mechanisms in motion to solve it. The way it does it is through a series of nerve endings that pick up a signal.

The name of these endings is nociceptors and they receive sensory information from the outside and inside of your bodies. They’re at the end of the axons of sensory neurons and can transmit it to the brain. Also, it can transmit information about mechanical, thermal, or chemical lesions in a matter of tenths of a second to the entire nervous system.

You might think that your brain hurts or that it’s going to explode when you have a headache. However, what you’re really feeling is the nervous tissues, meninges, blood vessels, and muscles around the brain.

These elements, which have nociceptors, can become inflamed, damaged, or dilated. Thus, they send an alarm to the brain that something’s wrong and lead to widespread headaches. In cases such as brain tumors or cerebral hemorrhage, in which there’s pain, it doesn’t really come from the brain. In fact, it comes from the pressure it exerts on the surrounding blood vessels.

However, there are other more serious problems that can cause pain. Some of them are:

• Acute hydrocephalus or interruption of cerebrospinal fluid.
• Very high blood pressure.
• Infection of the brain or nearby tissues.

You must know when this pain may be due to truly serious causes so you can consult a doctor. Thus, medical attention is necessary when:

• The pain interferes with your daily life.
• It’s associated with vision, mobility, language, or memory alterations.
• Is it worse in 24 hours?
• It manifests with other symptoms such as fever, stiffness, and nausea.
• The headache wakes you up and you can’t fall asleep again.”

I’m not immune to these headaches though, they are “annoying” (for lack of a better word). Having been blown off so many times by medical personnel, I started trialling CBD oil a while back and even though I have no doubt it works to minimise the pain, there’s always a nagging feeling. 

What if all it’s doing is masking the signs of a bigger problem..? (A problem, seemingly all in my head (literally), and one doctors, seem reluctant to take on).

I decided that I would give CBD oil a try, during one of the end of my rope moments, and see how it goes, simply because I don’t want to trial anti-depressants or any of the other drugs which have way too many side effects for my liking. The negative effects I’ve experienced on a few of them are simply not worth it. So, I decided to take my care into my own hands, and do what suits me, as far as I possibly can. I have a plan in place with a neurosurgeon, should I get worse – thankfully. Just how much I like that plan or feel there’s benefit or not to it, is another story. But, it’s a backup and far better than I had a year ago or even 6 months ago!

However, I feel that I should stop taking the oil and let this take it’s course. I hear my friends voice in my head; “Why would you put yourself through that pain, just take the oil!”. She may be right but I feel like I need to go through this and not try to shut up the squealing pig, which is my brain, because it won’t stop.

Maybe I need to start listening to my brain…It’s just tiring knowing how hard I’ve already had to “fight” to be heard!

Personally, when I feel the pain and discomfort I’ve had for the last few days, I do an internal check and try to assess if this is bad enough to kick said plan into place. I know I’ve felt worse many times before but, that doesn’t mean this is a walk in the park. For all I know, it might just be referred pain from my C5/C6 degeneration. Regardless, I’m miserable, have a burning pain at my burr hole, lacking appetite/energy, nauseous and have constant throbbing pain that doesn’t ease up long enough for me to feel like I can go on. Yet, I find a way to push through while life continues, with work and family responsibilities. Even if that means using my energy reserves to stand in the rain watching half a game of my 10-year old’s hockey game while the percussion in my head continues and the ground beneath my feet feel like a choppy ocean. Thankful it’s the weekend and I can just crash on my bed, neglecting the cleaning till this wave is over. So yes, I would tend to agree that this is no way to live. 

Living with this condition, knowing it’s incurable and knowing that no matter how much surgery you have, there’s no guarantees that it will be your last. Some days I can be “OK” with that but, there are days when I just feel, it’s life “lived” slowly and painfully!

And, in saying that, I wonder…Is it any way to die..?