There are days when I wish I couldn’t read people.
The unspoken can sometimes be so loud.
• A reaction to something said.
• The change of tone in your voice.
• The way your face changes: mouth, eyes, brows…
• A shift in your posture and demeanour.
• Even just silence through no verbal response, is louder than anyone can stand.
It cuts through me like a knife…
I have a way of overanalysing everything. Sometimes I don’t particularly like this about myself but most times, it has proven to be a good thing. I’m slowly learning to listen to my own intuition and trust my gut. (If only I could perfect this enough not to feel the stab on my heart).
People react differently to many situations in life. We’re different after all, I accept this.
• Some can handle the fact of life over death and others not.
• Some would rather not know what’s coming next and others like to be well prepared.
• Some appear to be brave, a facade well masked, and others simply are because they have been through so much.
Walking this Hydro journey, I’ve come to realise that I AM alone. Like I said in a previous post, this burden is mine to carry. I used to wonder how people can opt to go through things like brain surgery on their own. Surely you need support, someone to take care of you… How could you “willingly” cut out people closest to you and weather the storm alone? I’m at this point now and can fully understand. I’m making that decision for myself. Whatever comes next, I’ll do it alone. Whomever is there for me, out of their own free will and does not require me to expend my last energy on feeding their uncertainty and fear, is more than welcome to do so. My level of anxiety peaks with the unknown, I cannot ignore any of it because to do that is to deny myself! I allow it and know that, in that moment, I am human after all.
We set ourselves up for disappointment when we expect others to care as much as we do…
Sure it’s a sad state of affairs, and it’s disappointing, but I refuse to feel sad about it. If anything, I feel more at peace knowing I only have to worry about myself and my own reaction. A burden lightened by some degree.
As unknown as the next step in my Hydro care is, ironically, it’s also the only thing that feels certain. I’ve made peace with the tests I need to have and possibility of surgery OR expecting some form of medication to be thrown my way OR nothing will be done and I’ll be left to deal with the pain and symptoms, as I have over the last few years. Regardless, I’ll do so with less effort in my fight of the system or throwing money at a problem that simply will not go away! I’m preparing myself on all fronts, making sure I limit the damage to my inner self.
It’s time for repair of the damage already done…
I used to think that having someone (physically) present when you wake up from brain surgery is “a must”. And, while this would be ideal, it’s not always the case. So many people go through this alone and somehow they survive. You are a true warrior! So, WHY should I be any different?
Warrior mode activated…