Do you ever feel like you just want to get angry at Hydrocephalus? Just the mere thought of it being a part of you or the person you love’s life?
I have to admit, there have been times when I literally despised the fact that I have this condition. I hated having a shunt and I hated feeling as if it somehow made me different from everyone else. It’s not easy going through the emotional turmoil that accompanies this condition. When my shunt was failing and doctors would not listen to or help me, I felt lonely and Helpless as hell. I despised the doctors, their lackadaisical attitude toward my complaints especially when I knew “something was wrong“.
Having one doctor finally listen to me, was like discovering a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. All the glowing colours and beauty of it all left me feeling like the luckiest person on this earth.
I feel the effects of it in my life, since being diagnosed 8 years ago. I still have bouts of depression at the knowledge of how my life has and is busy changing. However, there are moments where I just simply forget about it. Moments where without thinking about it, I forget that I ever had it or literally have a hole in my head. I call these my gifted moments of sanity…
I realized a long time ago, that in order to stay sane through all of this, I will need to change my attitude towards the condition. I read somewhere that the best way to beat your opponent is to learn as much as you can about them. Well, I’ve read so much about this condition that I truly feel more knowledgeable than the many specialists I’ve gone to consult with (as I’m sure many of you, touched by Hydrocephalus, do too). However, I will never be naive enough to underestimate this opponent who will always have the upper hand in bringing me to my knees in a matter of seconds.
I find ways to cope. I do what works best for me and my body. More importantly, I take note of the responses I get physically whenever I eat, drink or do anything different. How I feel because of something is important in my understanding of how to handle the situation. I can make an informed decision, of my own choice, to eradicate that which does not agree with me. It does not matter if it’s tangible, edible or people…if it does not serve me or my condition, it does not deserve to occupy space where I live and breathe.
Coming back to the anger issue, I for one, have questioned God. I have yelled and screamed in the silence of my heart…questioning so many things but ultimately wanting to know “Why?“.
I can’t say that I’ve felt better after doing so because I always remind myself that somewhere in the world someone else is worse off than me. By no means do I feel lucky for having this condition either but physically, I know there is nothing that I can do about it…it’s out of my control.
I reckon, when and if you feel angry…you should allow your emotions to come to the fore. Let it surface and ride the wave because it won’t last forever. Every time I’ve had a meltdown, I feel I’ve grown stronger in so many ways. It’s not a feeling of liking or lumping the situation…it’s not even a feeling of becoming submissive…
It’s an opportunity to walk away undefeated…or at least die trying…just don’t give up!