Fighting against doctors while you believe that something is wrong with your shunt or ETV, feels like a daunting thing to do. Helpless is the number one feeling that comes to mind.
I remember when my shunt was failing, I fought about as hard as I am now to be heard. If that experience has taught me anything, it would be to not give up. To listen to my body first and foremost. (Easier said than done…)
Does it mean that I don’t feel scared or helpless anymore? Well, no…because I do (probably more so now than ever before).
If I had to be completely honest, it leaves me wondering if my relentless nature is not somehow pissing off these doctors. It also leaves me wondering, at what point will they say they’ve had enough of me saying something is wrong when all their tests prove otherwise. Will it make them throw me to the curb and refuse to treat me (tactfully of course) or will they eventually just drill a hole in my head, just to shut me up? The second scenario leaves me with all sorts of possibilities and conspiracy theories, none of which end well for me… (Oh the joys of an overactive imagination…NOT!). I suppose the question arises then, how much does it take for these doctors to reach their breaking point and operate regardless of going against their academic grain..? Hmmm…
I’m beyond reason in my analogy of the whole situation. In fact, I no longer trust what I think I feel simply because I can’t tell the difference anymore between what’s real and what’s not. It feels like I’ve slipped into another world and have absolutely no idea who or what I am.
Ultimately, I can’t really say that either one of the two scenarios above, fill me with much peace. If anything, it stresses me out to the max. I sort of feel caught between a rock and a hard place simply because I know I can’t ignore the signs my body’s giving AND I don’t want one of the two scenarios above to come into the equation either.
What’s a girl with Hydrocephalus to do..?