“There must be a reason…you know, a reason why you’re alive…”

“There must be a reason…you know, a reason why you’re alive…”

I didn’t expect a wave of emotion to come over me just by someone else uttering those words to me.  She was sincere in her questioning, compassionate in her approach and tender in her responses – the Sonographer who performed a pelvic and abdominal scan on me today.  Why I was there…is not of importance right now.

Just like any other medical visit where I end up taking off an item of clothing and expose a scar, my top in this case, lifted up just under my breast so she could perform the abdominal scan.  Curiously, she touched my scar and said “Oh, you have a scar there…is it related to your visit today?“.  I smiled and shook my head no, “It’s from brain surgery…” as I watched her face for a reaction while remembering a fellow Hydro warrior explaining how much she enjoyed that moment.  Anyone who doesn’t know much about Hydrocephalus, wouldn’t necessarily be able to connect the dots and figure out why someone would have a scar on their abdomen especially in relation to brain surgery.  However, this lady knew because we quite comfortably started chatting about having a shunt and she thought out loud trying to remember some medical terminology she had learnt in past years working in pediatrics.  She said “It’s so much easier with babies because you can see their heads expanding but, adults aren’t so easy.”  I know this only too well…

I figured I’d better explain that I no longer had the shunt because obviously she would see the tube wasn’t there.  I explained that I had 2 shunts which failed, was removed and replaced by an ETV.  She hadn’t heard of an ETV before and asked inquisitively wanting me to explain it to her and how the procedure works/is done.  She had a few light-bulb moments and her expressions were quite comforting, so much better than talking to someone who doesn’t understand completely what you’re talking about, switches off and loses interest.  “Wow!  You have certainly been through a lot…There must be a reason…you know, a reason why you’re alive…

Moving onto my left-hand side, I knew she would see that my gallbladder wasn’t there but I left it to her to discover on her own.  “So you’ve had your gallbladder removed?” she asked and I said “Yes“.  She smiled and said “That would explain why I can’t find it“.  The rest of the examination was a discussion here and there about the hysterectomy I had last year and my latest challenge of dealing with an overactive Thyroid.  To be entirely honest, listening to myself, acknowledging all that I’d been through on top of what she said to me, I couldn’t help when my eyes teared up.  I fought against the thought of this nagging headache I’ve had for the last 2 days and even though I carry on with the day, it bothers me…Constantly in the back of my mind like a lost soul that can’t find it’s rest.  I feel physically, mentally and emotionally unwell and dealing with symptoms, which remain unexplained and leave me looking more and more like a raving lunatic, is less than ideal.  Especially when I have to function normally for the benefit of others around me in my daily life.

So many of us deal with so many things on a daily basis, some have a bit more to deal with than others and for some, the challenge of living life isn’t half as bad.

When she uttered those words to me, all I could think was “I wish I knew the reason why…“.

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