Some days, much like today, I just feel like giving up. If I were connected to a life support at this moment in time and were able to, I would pull the plug myself.
I’m not in pain (Thank God) but can’t say I feel good either. I woke up this morning at 4 am and tossed about for just over an hour. When I eventually had to get up, my body would not co-operate. I forced myself out of bed and physically, as if the rest of my body didn’t get the message from my brain the first time, fell back down onto it. I thought it was just me feeling tired from waking up so early but…
I ambled along and forced myself forward and onward into the day. However, I struggled with my cognitive skills and just everything in general though I fought against the current with all my might.
I’ve been feeling dizzy and nauseous the whole day, almost like one who’s had a triple dose of Tramadol and Morphine combined. What the hell is going on! I feel like screaming and yet I know that won’t do any good.
Coming back to wanting to pull the plug…Why? Well, I’ve just had enough of Hydrocephalus. I want to throw in the towel and say “There…You won! Just let me keel over and exit out of this life“.
I hate not knowing if something is wrong. Doing a Google search to try and make sense of what I’m feeling doesn’t help when I read about ETV closures that were treated too late and leading to the sudden death of the patients…Yes, some might say “Don’t do that!” But, this is a reality I must face regardless of the fact that it might not happen to me.
I hate having to wait 2 whole weeks to see a surgeon just to get his opinion on what’s “possibly” going on. Having to wait even more time for him to do one test or the other and tell me one of two things:
1. Nothing is wrong or
2. You need an operation.
There is no middle ground with this condition…
Will I get sicker? Will I lose even more energy and will to live while I wait? I’ll probably feel better in a day or two and wonder what I was even going on about. This is a roller coaster ride for life and I have a non-refundable golden ticket with front row seats.
I just want to give up…I have no will to fight you anymore.