Sometimes, being sent home after going to the hospital with, “Nothing’s wrong, everything is normal”, is equivalent to being sent back to an abusive relationship.
You don’t know when the next flare up/episode will happen. You don’t know how badly you’ll be affected. You don’t know if you’ll be in a position to get help if it gets out of control. You don’t know if this time will be the final straw.
How bad will it get?
You don’t know the answer to any of these questions because, you may just have had so many different experiences that, it becomes quite hard to predict.
Left with words: “If it gets worse, please do come back!”, certainly does not help. If anything, it feels like a mockery and patronising to say the least. It leaves you feeling helpless with no real sense of comfort.
No person would seek medical help in the first place if they didn’t feel they needed it.
Maybe, after the first and even second time, you leave thinking: “Ok, maybe that wasn’t actually so bad. Maybe I’m being melodramatic”. Then you start wondering if what you’re feeling is even real and not just all in your head. After a couple of times going back and forth, not really feeling like you’re being heard or taken seriously, you tend to feel like this is your problem alone to deal with. If there’s no real evidence to prove what you’re complaining about, how can anyone really believe what you’re saying? Eventually, you tend not to tell others…no one listens anyway, right? Also, you feel like you’re losing it and somehow, you need to “toe the line”, just like everyone else.
But you’re not like everyone else..!
It’s just a fight you have to keep on fighting against an invisible opponent, who knocks you down, each time. A true bully…
When you don’t get help, you muster up the courage and energy to stand on your own two feet again. No choice. You build up resilience and grow an extra layer of skin as the person you once were, slowly slips away. But, how long do you have to keep doing this? How much abuse do you have to endure? You may even start thinking that this must be normal and somehow you deserve it.
Everyone has a cross to bear, right?
The damage is on the inside, as invisible to those around you, as the condition itself! The pain, the torture, the frustration of it all…
Can anyone blame you for the person you become when this is the reality you face?
I wonder if this is how people in abusive relationships feel? It’s only after it’s gone too far, that people ask: “Why didn’t you ask for help?” Or “Why didn’t you tell someone?”.
Oh, the irony of it all…
Why would you, when in reality most people just want to hear positivity and spout how good life is? If you’re too negative, a bit too realistic in what life is handing you and struggle to handle it in a way that others see as being “weak”, then you’re on your own. People withdraw from you, pass their judgement and move away.
After my last post, I feel like so much has shifted in me. It’s really hard to care about a lot of things and it’s even harder to feel or see the love of well meaning people in my life.
However, I know it’s there but it feels like there’s this thick glass between us and all I can hear is the silence of the torture chamber. I’m alone…so alone!
I take the good days for what they’re worth. I find the moments where I get to laugh and hold on tight.
I live as if there’s nothing wrong and if I lose my mind in the process, so be it. As the saying goes: “When in Rome, do as the Romans do”.
So maybe, in order to survive the Hydro circus, I need to become the clown. It’s clear I’m not the ringmaster and the show must go on!