A question asked so often, it seems, by doctors. Is this a standard question? Maybe I’m missing something…
It’s definitely one that, once asked, gets my back up. Inside, I cringe in anticipation…I take momentary offence and at some stage feel wounded with the knowledge of having been here before. A De Ja Vu moment of note and one that tears down the walls inside leaving me exposed and feeling vulnerable. Who doesn’t have baggage or things in their past which haunts them, things that haven’t fully been dealt with…right..?
Maybe it’s guilt at the response I should give in all honesty…a resounding YES! Maybe it’s the split second of me taking stock and having an internal dialogue to not admit to any of it because of the stigma and shame that goes with it. The little devil and angel on either side of my head, adding to my most vulnerable state ever in the history of…me.
Surely I should say “no” in an attempt at self-preservation. Like avoiding a jail sentence you steer as far away from as possible because you know without a shadow of a doubt, you are innocent!
Anyone who doesn’t get the medical help they need when they know that “something” is wrong, would look guilty as sin (with one foot in the loony bin). Anyone who has had a brain injury (Yes, brain surgery injures the brain beyond repair), would fall prey to depression. A state that consumes you to a point where only the strong survive…literally (Or is it the weak?). Seemingly, there are many factors which can contribute to this state of mind.
“Why do you refuse anti-depressants?”
A question that’s silenced (momentarily) with “It leaves me feeling suicidal”. That’s it…no further explanation needed. And yet, it doesn’t stop them from suggesting it again. What else do you have Doc? Is that it? Surely there must be something else…
“Have you spoken to a counsellor?”
Because talking DOES help (somewhat) but, only when the person on the receiving end of the dialogue is unbiased, non-judgemental and doesn’t have any preconceived ideas of where you’re coming from or have an opinion about your situation before they’ve even met you.
Life can sometimes become so unbearable but the minute you take the reigns and steer your own path, there’s a release from that which holds you back.
I don’t have all the answers but I can share this with you:
Take matters into your own hands, don’t be duped into thinking that anti-depressants are the answer when you’re feeling down. The number of times I go down this road is on the increase, where doctors want to “solve” my medical problems with these pills simply because their pride does not allow them to admit: “I don’t know what to do“. However, I’ve started realising that the medical care (or more precisely, the lack thereof) is enough to depress anyone. Having your body tell you one thing and then sitting with a medical professional after medical professional (not to mention negative/judgemental comments from friends And family), is enough to send anyone into a downward spiral. All anyone in pain (physical, emotional or spiritual) ever wants or needs is someone to listen or help (even when they themselves don’t realise it). When that’s not forthcoming, you run out of ways to ask, the words simply aren’t formulated in any humanly understandable possible way. (Admittedly, this in itself, is no easy situation – I never said it would be).
It’s this realisation that helps me see clearly why some have chosen to just end it all. Don’t misunderstand – I’m in no way saying it’s OK to take matters this far. I’m just saying, I get it…
Having recently read “A mind of your own“, I question the damage anti-depressants really do. While reading, I started recalling the last couple of consults I’ve had with different doctors and it’s unreal how many of them ended with the same line of questioning or leaning towards these pills being a solution for me. None of them ever take the time to figure out what’s really going on, which is why I said above “take matters into your own hands” and why I ended up reading this book – to help myself. Looking at it from the aspect of not only the side effects but also the motivating factor of money by pharmaceutical companies and medical professionals alike. The deception and greed, on their part, are just some of the things that simply get my blood boiling. It doesn’t matter that this doctor and author wrote the book with a certain aim in mind, it’s the fact that she’s managed to get me wondering. She’s caused me to question the intentions of all involved who benefit financially. It’s vile and despicable that a part of this human race can be blinded by something that we inevitably leave behind once we die.
The term – This too shall pass has worked in the past for me and after reading this book, I accept and understand that there will be moments where I feel the way I do. But, more importantly, I can do something to help myself feel better. At that point in time, I take a closer look at myself and try to figure out what’s really going on. This approach has been like a weight being lifted off my shoulders. It seems to be working thus far…